the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
In America we eat man semen.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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