Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
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I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
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After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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