So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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