I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also, beer. Big fan.
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I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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