even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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