i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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