I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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