She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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