Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
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I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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