dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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