i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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