3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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