I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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