i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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