I am midnight drunk by noon
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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