just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
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Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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