woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Olympian is in my bed
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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