i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
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Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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