idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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