woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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