ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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