How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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