you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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