Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize