Someone shit on the floor
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
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My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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