I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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