Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
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There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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