I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize