I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
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I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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