mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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