i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
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him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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