Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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