I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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