My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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