Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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