three words: i give head
three words: not that well
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He? As in you personified your dick?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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