Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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