Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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