so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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