1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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