So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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