When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
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Vodka?
Forever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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