When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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