How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
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Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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