I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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