I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Two words: blizzard sex
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize