so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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