Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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