I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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