Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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